I am really irritated.
I hate violence
but I hate stupidity more.
And
If I had a gun at this moment I would
wish for grapefruit size bullets,
cause sometimes you need it to hurt just a little more.
:)
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
radiohead jigsaw falling.
I lay my head into the cradle of my arms. Rocking and humming without much thought.
Because what is there to think about? I think making a list of short term goals and acknowledgement will help deflate my tension.
1.
2.
3.
4. ...wow
To the point of resentment, I can taste the acid on my tongue building up, and disgust settle just behind my naval. okay not a good idea.
Im just a step away from not giving a shit. I want a cigarette.
Because what is there to think about? I think making a list of short term goals and acknowledgement will help deflate my tension.
1.
2.
3.
4. ...wow
To the point of resentment, I can taste the acid on my tongue building up, and disgust settle just behind my naval. okay not a good idea.
Im just a step away from not giving a shit. I want a cigarette.
1:11 am
Tonight is going to be long. I cant sleep even though I am in a medicated state of drowsiness. My thoughts wont stay quiet long enough for me to drift off.
I wonder what happened to the time where sleep would hold me all night and most of mornings. Dreams used to be so tender with me, I would long desperately for them throughout the day.
What changed?
Why is it that every time I close my eyes, I see nothing but the blackness of darkness.
Its frustrating. That relief and comfort isnt there anymore. Leaving me to face my isolation without the comforting anticipation of dreams at the end of each day.
This room is too silent and I can hear the taunting of each tick of the clock just as loudly as my own mocking thoughts. The numbers on the digital wink at me out my peripheral vision. Giving red glowing butterfly kisses against my cheeks that burns my temples.
yawn.
The day was chilly so the night is freezing. But I dont move to close the window. I will leave it open. I like to think of it as my looking glass to the outside world that shows me nothing but everything. The big picture of suburbia and minor details of perfectly manicured lawns. Each blade of grass poisoned to be luscious green. When all it probably really wants to do is turn into brittle yellow hay and die.
Its not even that late. sigh.
I wonder what happened to the time where sleep would hold me all night and most of mornings. Dreams used to be so tender with me, I would long desperately for them throughout the day.
What changed?
Why is it that every time I close my eyes, I see nothing but the blackness of darkness.
Its frustrating. That relief and comfort isnt there anymore. Leaving me to face my isolation without the comforting anticipation of dreams at the end of each day.
This room is too silent and I can hear the taunting of each tick of the clock just as loudly as my own mocking thoughts. The numbers on the digital wink at me out my peripheral vision. Giving red glowing butterfly kisses against my cheeks that burns my temples.
yawn.
The day was chilly so the night is freezing. But I dont move to close the window. I will leave it open. I like to think of it as my looking glass to the outside world that shows me nothing but everything. The big picture of suburbia and minor details of perfectly manicured lawns. Each blade of grass poisoned to be luscious green. When all it probably really wants to do is turn into brittle yellow hay and die.
Its not even that late. sigh.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Pills and Skills
This poet held denial in her trembling hands as the doctor said
she have to be under for the rest of her life.
That what she was giving me was not a cure but a clutch.
I felt reluctant to accept. I can break under the side effects.
Loose myself with each and every one of them.
And clutches can be broken just as easily as many pencils. Which
was my existing dosage The one thing that do help but just
isnt enough any more.
But the symptoms at the moment are too great and
I cant ignore the signs anymore. Even if I write it all down.
Store them in a box on the back shelf, and bottle it away. I
still would not be cured, like I used to be.
The words I write are still going to be there. Unreadable to most
due to the shaking from fingers that refuse to sit still and the elaborate
mind of an introvert.
Tremors versus Anxiety.
How was we supposed to know there was something wrong?
she have to be under for the rest of her life.
That what she was giving me was not a cure but a clutch.
I felt reluctant to accept. I can break under the side effects.
Loose myself with each and every one of them.
And clutches can be broken just as easily as many pencils. Which
was my existing dosage The one thing that do help but just
isnt enough any more.
But the symptoms at the moment are too great and
I cant ignore the signs anymore. Even if I write it all down.
Store them in a box on the back shelf, and bottle it away. I
still would not be cured, like I used to be.
The words I write are still going to be there. Unreadable to most
due to the shaking from fingers that refuse to sit still and the elaborate
mind of an introvert.
Tremors versus Anxiety.
How was we supposed to know there was something wrong?
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Crying
Is it feasible to smoke the day before my doctors appointment? Well, seeing how this crappy ass week has been going...fuck it why not.
Father dearest wrote me a poem. God, what a dicky thing to do. Knowing I am going to fall for it...damn i wish I could just tell him to fuck off.
But as usual I wont.
Sometimes I wish things wouldnt affect me so much. Im already a mild tempered person, at it takes a lot to upset me. But its the little problems that I keep bottle it all up that turns up sometimes and explosion into emotions so overwhelming...
I dont see crying as a weakness. I know it dont help things by crying but it do make me feel better. Its just I get so piss off at the reasons I am crying about. Like really! I am shedding tears over this!
Drunken fathers dont deserve my tears, nor does hurtful pictures, heart breakers, or loud silences, loneliness beyond words, or cruel sentences.
And I feel foolish.
Sigh, yeah smoking sounds lovely right about now.
Father dearest wrote me a poem. God, what a dicky thing to do. Knowing I am going to fall for it...damn i wish I could just tell him to fuck off.
But as usual I wont.
Sometimes I wish things wouldnt affect me so much. Im already a mild tempered person, at it takes a lot to upset me. But its the little problems that I keep bottle it all up that turns up sometimes and explosion into emotions so overwhelming...
I dont see crying as a weakness. I know it dont help things by crying but it do make me feel better. Its just I get so piss off at the reasons I am crying about. Like really! I am shedding tears over this!
Drunken fathers dont deserve my tears, nor does hurtful pictures, heart breakers, or loud silences, loneliness beyond words, or cruel sentences.
And I feel foolish.
Sigh, yeah smoking sounds lovely right about now.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
2:29 am
All day gray clouds swarms in the sky,
bringing rain past sunset.
During nightfall a blanket,
vast and thick, is sprawled over every star.
No twinkling
diamonds for the children to wish upon,
tonight the moon is being kept where she cant be found.
All there is,
All there is to see
Is poignant beauty of the darkness instead of nostalgic light
As it rains and rains and keep raining
Deep!
Deep into the late night.
bringing rain past sunset.
During nightfall a blanket,
vast and thick, is sprawled over every star.
No twinkling
diamonds for the children to wish upon,
tonight the moon is being kept where she cant be found.
All there is,
All there is to see
Is poignant beauty of the darkness instead of nostalgic light
As it rains and rains and keep raining
Deep!
Deep into the late night.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I dont understand people, no...no thats not right. I have a good insight on others its just I dont understand you, my beloved Father. Its been a while, but I was so happy to see you today.
Even though you were supposed to be here yesterday but thats okay because you came today and lavished me with gifts. Gave praise that would raise any head up high to the world. Bear wide smiles of pride and love. And bestow compliments of my beauty and talent. After all this time.
But I will cry tonight because you were drunk. Again.
Why must you do things like this? Why cant you stay sober for just one day...for me. One funky ass day, is all I asked and even then, its not like I asked for the whole day. I had to go to fucking work! ...I feel so stupid for feeling upset about this.
Fuck! But what makes this even more hilarious is that you will never know how much I hate you right now. God, this is so fucking stupid...What was running through your mind when you thought you could apologize with gifts.
I didnt care! I just wanted to talk to you!
There was a reason I couldnt meet your eye and I can guarantee it wasnt because I was ashamed of myself. God, your such a fuck up!! I am so tired of putting my faith in you! You dont even try. And here I am thinking okay if he aint going to try for himself maybe he will for me.
But now I know better. You dont deserve to be my father. And I think you know it. You have to because there is no other explanation as to why you would push me away so much. Constantly...over and over.
But you know that I will come back like a good little puppy. Looking for just a bit of fuck acknowledgment. Im beyond pathetic. I wish I didnt care. Because looking at how this summer has been going so far...I dont think I can handle another disappointment.
Im so very tired of not understanding.
Even though you were supposed to be here yesterday but thats okay because you came today and lavished me with gifts. Gave praise that would raise any head up high to the world. Bear wide smiles of pride and love. And bestow compliments of my beauty and talent. After all this time.
But I will cry tonight because you were drunk. Again.
Why must you do things like this? Why cant you stay sober for just one day...for me. One funky ass day, is all I asked and even then, its not like I asked for the whole day. I had to go to fucking work! ...I feel so stupid for feeling upset about this.
Fuck! But what makes this even more hilarious is that you will never know how much I hate you right now. God, this is so fucking stupid...What was running through your mind when you thought you could apologize with gifts.
I didnt care! I just wanted to talk to you!
There was a reason I couldnt meet your eye and I can guarantee it wasnt because I was ashamed of myself. God, your such a fuck up!! I am so tired of putting my faith in you! You dont even try. And here I am thinking okay if he aint going to try for himself maybe he will for me.
But now I know better. You dont deserve to be my father. And I think you know it. You have to because there is no other explanation as to why you would push me away so much. Constantly...over and over.
But you know that I will come back like a good little puppy. Looking for just a bit of fuck acknowledgment. Im beyond pathetic. I wish I didnt care. Because looking at how this summer has been going so far...I dont think I can handle another disappointment.
Im so very tired of not understanding.
If you dont use it...
My heart is starving. With nothing but loneliness to chase away my appetite, I watch as the once thriving flesh that was my love wither away.
As I watch my heart become weak and fragile. I am reminded of how it got that way. How silence wrapped its cold hands around my insecurity and instantly cut off all flow.
Leaving behind anger.
As I watch my heart become weak and fragile. I am reminded of how it got that way. How silence wrapped its cold hands around my insecurity and instantly cut off all flow.
Leaving behind anger.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
rambling/ hidden, noble, roam
I hate being interrupted. But when I say interrupted I dont mean it in the conventional way that associates interference with interruption.
Really interruption isnt the right word to describe what I am talking about but its close. I feel it can be better explained as I feeling of irritation when the flow of my life is put on paused with forces that is outside of my control and take me out of my comfort zone. Whether its a conscience doing or not. Routine also isnt the right word to describe my life but its also close.
When the familiar beat or rhythm of life wraps its security blanket around me. I must be aware that it can act as both my savior and executioner. For my intuition is always going to tell me to stay walking along the predicted road. Stay hidden in inclusive to avoid collision.
But sometimes I need to get off that path to roam and view new interesting sceneries. How will I ever experience life to the fullest if I dont. But that is easier said that done. Obviously. But Im still young and growing so no need to be in a rush to explore this noble world.
Really interruption isnt the right word to describe what I am talking about but its close. I feel it can be better explained as I feeling of irritation when the flow of my life is put on paused with forces that is outside of my control and take me out of my comfort zone. Whether its a conscience doing or not. Routine also isnt the right word to describe my life but its also close.
When the familiar beat or rhythm of life wraps its security blanket around me. I must be aware that it can act as both my savior and executioner. For my intuition is always going to tell me to stay walking along the predicted road. Stay hidden in inclusive to avoid collision.
But sometimes I need to get off that path to roam and view new interesting sceneries. How will I ever experience life to the fullest if I dont. But that is easier said that done. Obviously. But Im still young and growing so no need to be in a rush to explore this noble world.
Silence
Have you heard the silent night
The earth is always singing
Praises of the morning sun
Even before the morning
And the whole world is singing of
Its beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song
Weep not for the day of gray
For the heavens are not weeping
The Roses are still red and gay
They are even blooming
And the whole world is singing of
Its beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
that silence is a song
that silence is a song
Lizz Wright
The earth is always singing
Praises of the morning sun
Even before the morning
And the whole world is singing of
Its beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
That silence is a song
Weep not for the day of gray
For the heavens are not weeping
The Roses are still red and gay
They are even blooming
And the whole world is singing of
Its beauty all day long
And even the quiet dark
that silence is a song
that silence is a song
Lizz Wright
Sometimes I really really just want to say
Fuck you
Fuck this job,
fuck your face,
fuck dumb asses,
fuck growing up,
fuck smart ass lil brats,
fuck expensive ass school,
fuck stereotypes,
fuck fake friends,
fuck relationships,
fuck the retarded ass dog
and weird ass cat,
fuck money,
fuck shitty weather,
fuck pms'ing,
fuck deadbeat fathers...
then I just toke a bit and everything becomes tolerable again.
Fuck you
Fuck this job,
fuck your face,
fuck dumb asses,
fuck growing up,
fuck smart ass lil brats,
fuck expensive ass school,
fuck stereotypes,
fuck fake friends,
fuck relationships,
fuck the retarded ass dog
and weird ass cat,
fuck money,
fuck shitty weather,
fuck pms'ing,
fuck deadbeat fathers...
then I just toke a bit and everything becomes tolerable again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
2:29 am
All day gray clouds swarms in the sky,
bringing rain past sunset.
During nightfall a blanket,
vast and thick, is sprawled over every star.
No twinkling
diamonds for the children to wish upon,
tonight the moon is being kept where she cant be found.
All there is,
All there is to see
Is poignant beauty of the darkness instead of nostalgic light
As it rains and rains and keep raining
Deep!
Deep into the late night.
bringing rain past sunset.
During nightfall a blanket,
vast and thick, is sprawled over every star.
No twinkling
diamonds for the children to wish upon,
tonight the moon is being kept where she cant be found.
All there is,
All there is to see
Is poignant beauty of the darkness instead of nostalgic light
As it rains and rains and keep raining
Deep!
Deep into the late night.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Glass
Everything was so messy.
Words, that once seem articulated and proper now sound broken and repetitive. Sitting at the table the conversation was obviously cracked down the middle.
On one side sat me, being chipped at and grounded down into dust and on the other sat my father with the grinder.
Simplicity was no longer there and in its place a mess. I wonder if the conversation could be clean again without all the stupidity coming from his side of the crack.
Words, that once seem articulated and proper now sound broken and repetitive. Sitting at the table the conversation was obviously cracked down the middle.
On one side sat me, being chipped at and grounded down into dust and on the other sat my father with the grinder.
Simplicity was no longer there and in its place a mess. I wonder if the conversation could be clean again without all the stupidity coming from his side of the crack.