vellicate draft

vellicate \VEL-i-keyt\, verb:

1. To touch (a body part) lightly so as to excite the surface nerves and cause uneasiness, laughter, or spasmodic movements

My touch caused you all three. But its the uneasiness that worried me the most. The reason for this I guesstimate, is because of the being or presence growing inside you, simmering just under the skin, stretching out its yet not formed shape, and lounging its body as it tries to fill your every space. It's just me.

Its not you in particular that causes this me inside to come alive. Really its our closeness...and when I use 'you' in this insistence I really mean 'me'. I feel myself inside of you. Obviously, this is pure narcissistic on my part, this projecting, but it better than talking to the mirror.

I use the excuse of being instantly distraction by your voice to explain my actions, such as suddenly kissing you. Im becoming more responsive to the sounds around me. More so then I have ever been before. Especially when you whisper.

Kissing.

Is the easiest sound to understand. I kiss you because I want taste your sound and feel our music being created. Its uncontrollable infatuation...And so I do it without a second thought. I lied, I dont really understand it...at all. Why does this thought make me feel so small? Oh well it gives me to room to expand, I guess. But I can definitely go without the contradictions of the human condition.

Potential growth. Us expanding, she and I. I'm smiling as I write this. Brief memories we have already made. Together. When you are near me. Strange but not unusual, new and frightening things happen. I am given cool rain instead of firey passions. The grass. Tears of glorious frustration. Bridges on horses and music in the benches. My chest already ache, just a tiny bit because she is already missed.

While...

Between A and Z words are at war with each other. Thrown around black cannons, and little figures waiting for their turn to give speeches are picked off one by one. Blood splatters the ground poets march their rhythms on. And English linguistic and grammatical terms containing explanations for useless art comes up missing in all the organized chaos.

But after the plans for victory are accomplished I should take you by the hand. Vellicating your palm with my fingers, while waving to the crowd as they chant our names. The masses are dead, as heavy be the heads that wears the crowns.

Ladders

Her want was so deep tonight that I fell in and kept falling. I looked up in between the silver lining of her sky and felt like crying out in frustrations. It was because I kept falling down, over and over scraping my knee on the sides.

I keep my head bent back. eyes staring far enough upwards to not see whats in front of me. Once there is no more drugs I feel like dying anyways, So obviously there is no point.

No forward for me. My only goal is up. And I will climb forever into tomorrow, but tonight. Tonight I remain so sober it hurts. Whatever I choose to fall, this is my choice and keep falling into her want. Until I cant anymore.

July 25

Never before have I felt such a multitude of emotions for anyone. This moment right now, my heart beats not only in my chest but in my throat, my mind, my sex, and in my eyes. I am in awe at how similar we are, but so different at the same time. Parallelism isnt the right word, but its the closest.

My number of past relationships is greater but that only makes me more seasoned and knowledgeable in the field of pain. I think this is why I am so frighten. I am not even in her presence and yet feel so compelled to do everything in my power to make her smile.

I am aching with every breath I take. If I was frighten before then there is no words to describe what I am feeling right now. Bitter acid stirs in the back of my mind when I think of all the shit we have to go through. I think its so unfair that in order to find love, we have to experience the pain of heartbreak.

God, I am so tired to having my heart broken by the people I thought would take it in their hands and kiss it gently. I must have faith though. Because If I loose the hope that one day I will find my mate, then I wont ever see myself being whole.

Relapse pt 2

She thought about her yesterday and yet again today. Snippets. Of them dancing. subtlety was never her strong point, but it was adorable to watch.

She was so drunk off the world they created. Slight swaying side to side they danced, in the tiny room. Around each other in conversations. Pillow talk. Drawn out others time. Light from the window shining in to her eyes. She have memories of drowning in those eyes.

Tomorrow will bring holding hands and letting go.

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"How can love be so kind and gentle then turn and be so cold? And why must my arms be so empty for what my heart still holds." -Musiq Soulchild

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