Child

Comforts of adolescence were gone before it could be properly acknowledge. Me and I, together. I never could allow me to be just tolerated and humored. But with me it was always room to see more, be more, discover things that I never could feel.

But

With me, it a painful process to grow but never destructive. Building a world of play. And dont forget the wall around to keep them, we, he, she, her, they, all out. What dont kill Me will make I stronger. A child of her world. Because comforts of adolescence were gone before it could be properly acknowledge.

Tight muscles expand and contract with each movement. Its a delicious feeling. Knowing I got lost last night in the music last night

july 31

I waved my lone flag in a sea of hands touching the sky.
Pointing my peace to the heaven. I was there together as one massive body waving back and forth to God. Side to side. And Up and Down.

Up and down
Feets pounding into the floor. It was wet. But no downpour touched our heads. Raining, so lightly to cool our heated necks. It mingled with our sweat. And still I jerked and swung my body around with my lone flag and peace sign to the air.
Breath filled with headache causing smoke, but I inhaled deeply regardless.

intertwine

In this world, this life.
Exist both happiness and strife
So interchangeable that my muse must
guides me.

Inside my chest, and out my mouth
flows emotions that makes me smile wildly,
despite tomorrow wondering doubts.

July 25

Never before have I felt such a multitude of emotions for anyone. This moment right now, my heart beats not only in my chest but in my throat, my mind, my sex, and in my eyes. I am in awe at how similar we are, but so different at the same time. Parallelism isnt the right word, but its the closest.

My number of past relationships is greater but that only makes me more seasoned and knowledgeable in the field of pain. I think this is why I am so frighten. I am not even in her presence and yet feel so compelled to do everything in my power to make her smile.

I am aching with every breath I take. If I was frighten before then there is no words to describe what I am feeling right now. Bitter acid stirs in the back of my mind when I think of all the shit we have to go through. I think its so unfair that in order to find love, we have to experience the pain of heartbreak.

God, I am so tired to having my heart broken by the people I thought would take it in their hands and kiss it gently. I must have faith though. Because If I loose the hope that one day I will find my mate, then I wont ever see myself being whole.

July 20

I had a dream last night and I can still taste her on my tongue. Its kind of frightening how easily swept up I am becoming in such a short span of time. I dont want to fight it but at the same time I am worried what would happen if I dont hold myself back. I can see this either turning into something amazing, but its only been a couple of weeks. Am I ready to face this when it all comes together?

July 6

I am going to make a choice today. And I choose to move forward instead of backwards.

June 28

She has protector stamped across her back!
Even though the thought had warmth pooling in the pits my stomach and my chest fluttering, this is a little unexpectant. What is this exactly? Could she protect me? Could I allow her to? Its not an easy question to answer but time will only tell.

Because I am tired of looking at my phone waiting for no one to call me. I realized that I shouldnt have to fight and work this hard. That philosophy about letting love go and if it was meant to be it will come back is bullshit.

Her voice is so lovely. Conversation poured like a never ending stream and I find it so amazing how easy it is to talk her. I dont know what to think of it so Im just going to let it flow for now and see where this river will end.

Down a waterfall, leaving me crashing at the bottom against sharp jagged rocks or to a lake. Secluded but still very beautiful.

I know this is too much. For someone to make me smile this much, for me to be this happy. No most definitely too good to be true.

She had a cluster headache dancing around her right temple. But that didn't stop her from drowning herself in music and cigarettes. If anything it made the throbs worst but she didn't care. It served as a decent distraction from the dull ache in her chest and restlessness of her feet.

Starving contradictions

Memories tastes like air. As we engorge on the nothingness of the past we become nothing ourselves. But with hunger pains acting as reminders of what happens when one don't remember. We are force to choose between Nothingness and Pain

Can we really choose between the two and that choice be the right one?

We wander through the darkness searching and trying to escape the monsters of our past. Creatures with teeth sharp enough to pierce our thin skin and penetrate our bones. Eyes so consuming that with every slurp of our essences we become more hypnotized.

Venom.

But as they eat from our already empty stomachs, we are filled euphoria. Finding ourselves not caring about the nothingness. And the longer the monsters feed from us, the more creature like we become. Because memories tastes like air we must find a way to curve our hunger. Or we too will become nothing but air.

naked

Appendages were bent over the back of the couch, allowing the lamp to illuminate brown smooth skin. The walls were quiet without their giggles tonight. Probably because of the raging storm outside knocking out the lights.

Smooth legs bounced in rhythm to music only she and the carpet could hear. Everyone else was had gone home. all was silent. She felt chilled air brush under where her bra wire should be, cooling her warm breast. Humidity was thick near the ceiling. Making the floor cold to her nose, hands, and feet. It felt nice.

Nice enough for her to remain there till morning.

3 word Wednesday

bait jump victim

Freedom.

She was finally free and finally here.

Along with the breezy blue lipstick, she wore a wavering smirk on her lips that appeared to be melting into a frown. Control was never her strong point, but that can be fixed easily with a double shot of vodka. Nerves in all.

Her left hand felt naked without the band that use to suffocated her finger. For 6 years it was as if it slowly sucked life from her body. It mimicked her husbands hands almost perfectly. Except it took a little longer for her to get the ring to off, even after Big Red was sentenced away.

Cause she played the victim for so long, she didnt need to pretend to be bait. They smelled the vulnerability on her as soon as she entered the lounge. The eyes of 3 suits near the end of the bar had practically jumped out their sockets at her skin tight tube dress. It was the same color as the lipstick. Her new favorite color breezy blue number 4.

Tonight she was free, and planned on taking full advantage.

Heroes

Start by relaxing your gag reflex, that way the alcohol will go down easier. Rebel rule number 26. If you can endure the burn than you becomes the peoples champion. They will chant your name in cheer and give out roses by the dozens.

Riots of the Heroes festivities.

The only way to appease them is by doing party tricks. But you are going to probably be passed out by now. On the ground covered in magnificent victory, among other glories. The applauds will be deafening, and the sour smell of vomit will be triumphant.

Clusters of emotions. I am ruled by them. Every thought, every actions, every plea. I drown myself in it

Parched

I used to drink from
denial. I was the immortal
and untouchable.
Uncaring and love-able,
with a hint of sanity.

With the choices surrounding
every moment of the day.
I try to keep in the happiness
that keeps being ripped away.

Her attention burns so bright
I bask in its warmth
trapped in my own created captivity.
Driven by the cold

When I wake still
Drunk off my own spit
Realizing, I was no longer
thirsty.

The rain sang the blues tonight.

As I let her voice come inside me soaking up all thoughts from my mouth.

I pray it would not sting her as it do me. I want to become lost again. And didnt think that could happen with the invisible strings. coming down in the guise of rain drops.

Arrows

She had hope that was filled worried. If you tip it over confusion will pour out. Longing so bad it hurt. But not as much as the holes in her heart from cruel tiny arrows. They will never heal but she wont let that get in her way. The string was surprisingly easy to pull and the archer was so beautiful. Whats one more hole.

I was suddenly rooted in place by the spring storms.
And now deep into the summer I am growing steadily by the day,
I, A little morning glory. Who tends to get lost in the vines.

Elizabeth Bishop

"Love should be put into action!"
Screamed the old hermit.
Across the pond an echo
tried and tried to confirm it.
-Elizabeth Bishop
"Chemin de Fer"
[House of Leaves]

smiling with anticipation

Present

erase, meadow, trace

Its in the moment. Walking around and enjoying the scenery of all of those pollen flowers in the meadow. Floating off in time and with no trace of you to be remembered in the mind of the past.

feign, imply, virtue

hassle, inject, wealth

Drugs are your friends!

Coming from the lungs of a seasoned poet, minus the 'E' head , I will speak loudly! Than cough.
Then smoke up more of my fire to ignite the blaze.
but then I may cough again but this time a stanza or a prose may come up because of all the
Words, deep inside my- What is this sticky shit sticking to me!

Its black like tar and I cant
Seem to get it off completely as its messy like honey. Sweet
tasting honey. On a gooey bread of goodness.

-
Because if I had a choice I would
Most definitely smoke with every inhale.

Going to bed.

The acrid smell of irritation still lingered around my nose as I walked the threshold of my home. My tepid response was read easily by the world, as people quickly move away from me.

As I stumbled in my bed, relief washes away all headache bringing annoyance I finally fell into a daydream.

One arm stretched over my eyes for extra protection from the light. I was grateful for the softness under me, as I finally drift off. Already loathing the bane of my awakening. The morning.

three word

acrid: Sharp and harsh, or bitter and not to the taste; pungent; Causing heat and irritation; corrosive; Caustic; bitter; bitterly irritating

tepid: lukewarm: moderately warm; "he hates lukewarm coffee"; "tepid bath water"
halfhearted: feeling or showing little interest or enthusiasm; "a halfhearted effort";

bane: something causing misery or death; "the bane of my life"

Portrayed

Painting picture of being emotional.
Stubborn if left alone.
Comprehend the smile of sweetness.

Thinking of deviousness.

May 17,

What should I read next?? The street by Ann Petry

What it is to be a
Fuck up?

Cunning and emotionally destructive with lies thick like honey. Too sweet to resist. We cant even restrain ourselves. But it is especially alluring to the newly made butterflies, who unlike us is not used to the flith. Whom are the easiest to corrupt.

We fuck up are addictives, the glorfied heroine and drunken escapes of the gutter world.

The sweet deviousness of it all is what makes it all worthwhile.

June 28

She has protector stamped across her back!
Even though the thought had warmth pooling in the pits my stomach and my chest fluttering. What is this? Could she protect me? Could I allow her to? Its not an easy question to answer but time will only tell.

I am tired of looking at my phone waiting for no one to call me.

I want to hear this sound.
Her voice.

Stumble but Words before I her ask. and

I delete everything before the period at least 3 times.

Never completing the sentence always rewriting.

rewriting

rewriting.

The shapes appears over my head. Clouds of interests that came from stories, once thought to be dreams reach so deep inside the haze I can feel my ideas swimming around my eyes when I stick my hand in.

I am known to wonder around in my icy dust of crystallite beauty. Freezing portrayed of each face, moment, and words. I think my perception is off by a decent size margin to make me...eccentric to others.

---

I am not going to sit and watch falling stars. Make a wish. I just wonder what happens to all the broken wishes when they have fallen out the sky.

This cig and pen feels the same in between my fingers. resting, delicately and just the right ways.

Balanced and patient with me, during the time of stress. Releasing me temporarily from the clutches of being a deaf bird. Trapped in the mind of a free bird.